


aberrations of light

by SiderumInCaelo



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Episode: s01e25 This Side of Paradise, Gen or Pre-Slash, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:56:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26035276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SiderumInCaelo/pseuds/SiderumInCaelo
Summary: Spock and Kirk have a necessary conversation after the events of "This Side of Paradise."
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 21
Kudos: 98





	aberrations of light

When Spock’s door chimes, following the evacuation of the Omicron Ceti III colonists, he’s unsurprised to find the Captain outside – Kirk is, after all, the only frequent visitor to Spock’s personal quarters. 

“May I come in, Mr. Spock?” he asks, and Spock refrains from lifting an eyebrow in response to the unexpected formality only because Kirk looks quite ready to bolt at the first sign of reluctance.

“Certainly, Captain,” he says instead.

Kirk enters, but ignores the available chair in favor of pacing the length of the room. Spock waits, while Kirk appears to steel himself for whatever he intends to say.

“I’m sorry,” he finally says, “for what I said to you in the transporter room. I hope you know that I didn't - that I _don't_ believe a word of it, but it was unforgivable of me all the same.”

“It was necessary,” Spock responds, choosing to sidestep the implied question in the first part of the sentence.

“That’s the thing,” Kirk says, eyes downcast. “I don’t think it was. It was selfish.”

“Explain,” Spock requests.

Kirk takes a seat, but still doesn’t meet Spock’s eyes. “You weren’t in any danger from the spores, quite the opposite. Even more than that, you were _happy_ – by your own admission, for the first time in your life. And I took that away from you, because – well, because _I_ wanted you here,” he finishes in a small voice.

This is not the explanation Spock was expecting.

“I don’t think I’m exaggerating to say that we made a good team right from the start,” Kirk continues. “And at first, that’s what mattered – you were important to me, because the work we did together was important. But somewhere along the line, cause and effect flipped. The work we do is still important to me… but now that’s because I do it with you.”

A curious warmth suffuses Spock’s chest at the words. “It is fortunate that you value my company so highly,” he says, “if it prevented you from leaving me on Omicron Ceti III.”

Kirk’s head jerks up at this, and he finally looks Spock in the eye.

“There is no need for you to feel guilt over releasing me from the spores’ influence. Once back in my own mind, I had no desire to remain on the planet, as I told Leila when she attempted to convince me to return.”

“Why didn’t you want to stay, if I may ask?”

“For one thing, I, like you, value the work we do together,” Spock says, and is rewarded by Kirk smiling at him. “For another,” he adds, hesitating only slightly, “my first choice of companion would not be a person who, for all intents and purposes, deliberately drugged me.”

Spock believes that the correct description of the expression Kirk makes is _stricken_.

“I hadn’t even thought of it like that,” Kirk says. “Spock, I’m so sorry.”

“I do not believe Leila did so maliciously,” he clarifies. “Being under the influence of the spores herself, she likely was unable to imagine someone objecting. But nevertheless…” he trails off, realizing he’s uncertain what point he intended to make.

But Kirk seems to understand anyway. “Nevertheless,” he concurs. “In that case, I’m glad I could reverse the influence of the spores on you. But I still regret – always will, I think – how I went about doing it.”

“I confess,” Spock began, “that I would not have expected you to choose that particular approach.” It’s the closest he’ll get to answering Kirk’s earlier, implied question, about whether he knew that Kirk had not meant what he said.

“I knew I had to make you angry,” Kirk says, “and how else could I have managed that? Things that drive anyone else to frustration just roll right off you. Your human-Vulcan heritage was the only thing I could think of that was likely to be a sufficiently sensitive topic.”

“A logical conclusion,” Spock murmurs, and he finds that for once he doesn’t mean it as a compliment. Kirk seems to notice, for he drops his gaze from Spock’s face down to his own hands.

“I understand,” Kirk says quietly, “if I irreparably damaged our friendship with those words. If you no longer want to interact outside of our official duties, or if you’d prefer to transfer –”

Spock knows, with inexplicable but unshakable certainty, that Kirk means what he says. That he would make such an offer, so soon after admitting he wants Spock here on the _Enterprise_ , with him, is meaningful in a way Spock cannot put into words.

Instead, he reaches across the table to wrap his hand around Kirk’s wrist, the command braid rubbing lightly against his palm; Kirk immediately falls silent. “Jim,” he says, “you have apologized for your words, and adequately explained your reasoning. It would benefit neither of us to allow this event to adversely affect our relationship.”

It is nothing more than a statement of fact, yet Kirk looks at him as if he’s said something remarkable. “Thank you,” he replies, voice barely more than a whisper.

Spock withdraws his hand, and he and Kirk lapse into silence. The quiet between them is not uncomfortable, nor does Spock begrudge Kirk’s continued presence in his quarters, but Kirk’s brow is slightly furrowed, like there’s something more he wants to say. Spock waits for a minute, but prompts Kirk when no words are forthcoming.

“Was there something else?” he asks.

Kirk drags a hand across his face, then seems to come to a decision. “Yes,” he says. “If a human crewmember said what you did, that the only time they’d ever been happy was while under the influence of the spores, I’d be having a quiet word with Dr. McCoy about screening them for depression,” he finishes bluntly.

“I am not human,” Spock points out, trying not to sound affronted.

He suspects he does not entirely succeed, for Kirk ducks his head, not fast enough to conceal the grin breaking across his face. “I’m aware, Spock,” he says fondly. “Which is why I haven’t said anything to Bones. Instead, I’m just going to ask, as your friend, if I need to be worried.”

“Negative,” Spock replies. He is not lying, and yet, he has to suppress an illogical urge to squirm under Kirk’s unwavering gaze. For a moment, he wonders if Kirk is going to challenge his answer.

He doesn’t. “All right,” he accepts easily instead, and Spock recognizes the trust required to do so. “But, Spock,” he continues, “if there’s ever anything I can do to make your time on the _Enterprise_ more –” he pauses, and Spock guesses he’s searching for a sufficiently unemotional word “– satisfactory,” he settles on, “I hope you’ll tell me. Even if you think it’s something minor or unimportant.”

Doing so would be tantamount to expressing preferences, one step away from expressing emotions, and Spock’s first instinct is to demure. But Kirk is looking at him with such earnestness.

“I will keep that in mind,” he says. It’s the most he can safely promise, but it seems to be enough.

“Good,” Kirk says, then stands; Spock follows. “I’ll leave you to the rest of your evening, then,” he adds, but stops at the door to look back at Spock. He pauses, lips slightly parted, with an expression on his face Spock can’t parse, and Spock thinks he’s about to say something else. But all he offers is a quiet “Goodnight, Spock,” before leaving the room.

Spock spends much of the evening wondering what else Kirk might’ve said.

**Author's Note:**

> If Kirk's dialogue when discussing why Spock is important to him sounds familiar, it's because I stole it from _Elementary_ (s5e04, "Henny Penny, the Sky is Falling").
> 
> The title is taken from a chapter of _Pale Blue Dot_ by Carl Sagan.


End file.
